Curse

nexus1614 · Jun 27, 2007, 08:37 AM // 08:37

Hi this is my attempt at a story through the eyes of my dervish. Its a bit long and there are references to my alliance that you might not get

but please give me constructive criticism

I woke up with a funny feeling in my stomach, sorta like, butterflies. What could it be? Then I remembered...I was to be taught the way of the Dervish.I jumped out of bed, pulled on my robes and my hood, and ran off to meet Kormir and Koss.

'Your late'Kormir said
'Oh shi.....I thought
'No matter, we don't have time for idle chit chat, lets get down to business' Kormir said, handing me a scythe. 'Follow Koss and get to the camp'
'Come on'replied Koss gruffly

Off we ran towards the camp, through the shallow waters, when we met up with some Kournan soldiers.

'Go on then.'Koss ordered.

I went running over, scythe swinging, when I fell arse over tit. The Kournans fell about laughing, so I got up and swung my scythe at them, slicing them in half. Nice Smile. We continued running towards the encampment, where we were greeted by a sunspear. Before going in though, I decided to get some help, so off I went to talk to some sunspears. Due to my magnetic personality (Kira hehe) they all agreed. So off we went to kick some Kournan butt!!!!

It was all going so well, until I decided that, instead of pulling the lever myself, i would let a sunspear do it O.o. He broke it. I picked up the flaming barrel, RAN to the boat, and heaved it to the top. It exploded. Oh bums

I woke up with my head banging. I looked around and saw Koss looking at me. 'Congratulations you dumbass, you screwed up big time.'
'What d'you mean, I screwed up? Did I or did I not save the village from the Kournans?'
Yeah you saved the village alright, nearly losing your arms in the process, you idiot.'
'I'm fine ain't I?'
Yeah your fine, but your also a lucky moth....'
Oh your awake now....good. interrupted Kormir. 'First Spear Dehvad wants to see you, so go.'

I quickly ran off, anything to escape the stony look I was getting off of Koss. I ran across the square in Kamadan.
'WTS various gold weapons'
'[FTW] recruiting, GH, Cape, Alliance, Kurzick, whisp me for info.'

Ignoring the vendors I ran past them, stopping off at the Xunlai agent, opening my account. I then spotted Dehvad in the distance. I ran as fast as I could towards him, skidding to a halt next to him, spattering him with mud.
'Well done you idiot'
'What is it with everyone calling me an idiot today, jeez, could seriously damage someone's self confidence.' I thought to myself.
'What d you want?'
'Don't take that tone with me young man, although you may be one of the brightest stars in the sunspears, it doesn't mean I can't punish you. Now shut up and listen. Your a dervish, right? Well you need a secondary profession....I suggest you go to the encampment and talk to a few of the different profession trainers. I suggest you look into monk, paragon and necromancer.'
'Yessir!' So off I went. Twenty minutes later I decided to plump for becoming a monk, knowing full well I couldn't rely on anyone else to heal me, so I might as well do it myself. Then I thought, its a bit lonely this malarkey isn't it? I need to find meself some friends. Thankfully, as I re-entered Kamadan, I caught a glimpse of an old friend, Kripht Necro.
'OI, Kripht!'
'What the......oh...Hi!'
'Hows it going? Do you have a guild I could join?'
'Er...what...yeah....Mythical Dragon Keepers.....come on then.'

Five minutes later I was kitted out with a cape, and been shown around the Guild Hall, meeting the very beautiful Kira Cerebraldragon in the meantime. 'This is Kira, she's my second-in-command.'

'H-H-H-Hi Kira,' I stammered, for once at a loss with what to say. 'Pleased to meet you.'

'Likewise' the deadly mesmer replied. Little did I know how good friends we'd become.

I woke up the next morning feeling extremely happy. Not only did I have a guild, i also had a secondary profession, and had made a new friend. I decided to take a wonder through the town, mantling about, stopping off at the merchants to buy a salvage kit and identification kit, when something that someone shouted caught my attention,

'Taxi to the docks!Only 750GP!'

'750GP to go to the flipping docks! I can walk there!' I thought. Determined to prove this right, I stalked off towards the consulate docks, only to find some idiot blocking my path. However, he was holding a very large and very sharp sword, and I decided that retreat was the best option. Not looking where I was going, I bumped into one of another old friends, Yame Kushi. He smiled, shook his head, and walked off. I then decided I would go run a few errands for people, thus earning me a bit of money and mainly some new dyes and a new scythe. However, one errand had me stumped. I had to collect some skale fins, an iboga petal and a chunk of drake flesh, and it'll be buggered if I couldn't find any of them. Lost in thought I wondered through Kamadan until I walked past Kormir.

'Hello? Hello? Oi Count? Hellllooooooooo?' she said, but I continued walking, still deep in thoughts, that was, until she stabbed me with her frigging spear.

'OWWWWWWWW! WATCH WHERE YOUR STICKING THAT YOU CRAZY B....oh, its you Kormir...Hi' I said meekly.
'Yes its me, and you need to get going. I need you to travel to Champions Dawn and find Quarrymaster Bohanna, oh and Koss will be coming with you.'
'Oh for.....'I thought, 'Mr blooming Happy coming along for the ride, I'm wetting myself with excitement.' Of course I didn't say any of this, I actually value my testicles. Instead I just nodded. So off Koss and I went to Champions Dawn. The trip was pretty uneventful, well, unless you count the incident between the Skale, the Mandragor and the Termite. Lets just say it was.....disturbing. I don't think that Koss will ever be the same again. Anyways, once he'd got cleaned up, after a quick stop off at the sunspear great hall, we traipsed into Champions Dawn. I looked around for someone who looked remotely like a quarrymaster, but all I could find was a scruffy, but pretty looking woman, so I decided to ask her for help.

'Eh....excuse me miss...do you happen to know where i could find Quarrymaster Bohanna?'
'Your looking at her sweetie.' She replied.
'Oh, er, my sincerest apologies,' I said meekly.
'No worries. You must be Count Nexus,' she replied.
'Uh...yeah.....and this is Koss, I said, and then in an undertone 'Speak slowly, he's a bit how would you say it.....slow.'
She giggled and said 'Look, I need you to go to the cliffs of Dohjak and meet an old friend of mine and Kormir's, a monk by the name of Dunkoro. He's a temperamental old fool but he's a master tactician and we need him onside. He needs your help to clear the quarry of harpies. Go quickly.'
'There you go Koss, we can go kill some dumb animals...best to make sure they aren't your family first,' I said, trying to bait him. He just grunted and walked off. 'He doesn't understand cos we used words with more than one syllable,' I said to Bohanna. Suddenly Koss' sword came whistling past my ear.
'Next time I won't miss,'Koss threatened. I made a concious decision to keep my mouth shut.

This time the journey was definitely uneventful, except for the incident between Koss and the Skree, but I'm keeping that for parties. So we met up with Dunkoro, and he surveyed me with a look of mingled disgust and exasperation. 'They sent you!?!?!' He asked.

'Uh...Yeh!' I replied.'Lets go then.' And off we went. When we approached the steep slope down to the quarry, I slowed down.

'Cumon smarty pants,' Koss said, hopping down as sure footed as a Moa Bird. Dunkoro followed quickly. Me, trying to be 'cool', decided to slide down there....but of course I got tangled up in my robes, rolled over twice and ended up in a crumpled heap at Hamar's feet.

'Very nice,' Dunkoro remarked. 'You should try out for the Elona Olympics as a gymnast. Now get up and lets get rid of these harpies.

Ten minutes later we dispatched the last harpy without too much trouble...except for when a griffon tried to mount Dunkoro. However, the ever resourceful Koss decided that shouting at it would work, and surprisingly it worked. In fact if I wasn't already on the floor laughing, I would've collapsed from the shock.

Recovering his composure, Dunkoro said 'Right, now we've dealt with that problem we should go to Jokanur and meet Digmaster Gateh. And neither of you mention that incident again.'
Exchanging looks, me and Koss to him 'We won't,' and then in an undertone to each other, 'much.'

The journey to Jokanur Diggings was pretty uneventful, except for the incident with the fanged Iboga and Koss' armour. It seems shiny things are attractive to them. Dunkoro was rolling about on the floor he was laughing so much.

When we got to Jokanur, I looked around. I was disappointed. Not one pretty girl. That sucked. So I went over to the old fella that Dunkoro was deep in conversation with. Without so much as a hello he said 'Morgahn wants to see you at Zehlon Reach. Be prepared for an ass kicking.'

Now of course I wasn't gonna take that lying down. So I went and found Kripht, and said, 'Look wanna give me a hand to show these Kournans how big a pussy they are?' And of course Kripht being Kripht jumped at the chance. So we went to find Morgahn and there he was, with that silly cow Varesh, determined to try and kick some sunspear ass. However, we totally owned their butts, they lasted less than a minute. Morgahn and Varesh walked off in disgust. We high fived each other, and then Kripht decided it'd be a good idea to slap my backside. 'WHAT THE HELL DUDE!' I said, laughing my head off. I slapped him back then ran back to Kamadan. I was pooped after the long day, and decided time was now for sleep. However, when I got back, Kira was mantling about the Guild Hall, so I decided to speak with her for a while first. I wanted to find out what made her tick. We sat talking for over an hour, then I went to bed, glad that I'd joined such a nice guild. What would tomorrow bring?

Sorry its a long post, I was a bit stressed, and writing this kinda calmed me down. Please leave me some form of criticism.........I'm not sure about it myself. Tell me honestly what you think. Oh and as am lazy, can't be arsed to put all the colours and stuff in ^^. Should I carry on going through it like this or should I try and shorten it a bit? All help appreciated xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I woke up contented, wondering what was gonna happen today. I was soon to find out. Koss came bursting into my room and said, panting, 'Zehlon......Reach.....now.....Emissary........Fin d.........Melonni.....Cumon.,' and with that he ran out of the room, tripping over the footstool on the way out. He scrambled to his feet, dusted himself off, and ran off again. I quickly pulled on my robes, neglecting my hood. As I ran after Koss I became aware of people pointing and laughing at me. 'What the.....'I thought, looking around. Amongst the crowd I saw another old friend, Mitsuki Wavemaster pointing at my hair and shaking her head. I patted the side of my hair. 'Oh shi....bed hair!' I thought, running back to my room, grabbing my hood, pulling it over my face and proceeded to run face first into the doorframe. 'FOR F-F-F-F-FLUMP SAKE' I yelled. 'Having fun there are we?' asked Kira, smiling. 'Cumon, lets get you brushed off and met up with Koss. Follow Kripht.'
'A-a-a-a-aren't you coming?' I mumbled. I think she didn't here me, as she sprinted off somewhere. 'Ah well,' I thought, chasing after Kripht.'Slow down!' Ten minutes later we reached Zehlon Reach, without much incident, well, except that problem we had with the Juvenile Bladed Termite and Kripht's cape. Needless to say he had some sewing to do. I looked around and saw Koss speaking furiously with a man who I assumed to be the Emissary. However, as I got nearer, I heard the words 'Yep two skale eggs, some glittering dust and a naked corsair,' as Koss turned away and the mysterious man seemingly melted into the wall. 'What?' Koss asked shiftily. I raised my eyebrow and said 'Where's the Emissary?' He pointed, and I jogged over to him. 'Harro!' I said. 'I understand you wanted to see me?'
'Yes, its a matter of urgency. General Kahyet has been asking me about a strange event called Nightfall, which in itself is a problem, but a more pressing concern is that a young headstrong dervish named Melonni has also been asking about it. Can you find her for me?' As soon as her name was mentioned, Koss' ears pricked up. 'Where?' he asked.
'Not far from here, hurry and catch her.'
'Oh great more running,' Koss said.
'Shurrup you miserable bugger and lets get going. I saw your ears prick up when her name was mentioned you sly old dog,' I teased. We wandered about for a while until we stumbled across her. My she was beautiful, but had a very dangerous look about her. I decided immediately not to mess with her.
'Well Helllooo Koss,' she said. 'Follow me, Kormir wants your opinion on something, for some strange reason''
'Oh aye,' I thought. 'This sounds promising' (needs to go with the ^_^ smiley)
However, I value my ears so instead i said, 'Show us first, then we will go fetch her.'
'Alright,' she replied, running off. We gave chase, and ten minutes later we arrived at a strange wall. Now the journey was pretty uneventful, in fact, the only thing that caused the teensiest amount of trouble was when a 'friendly' warthog decided that it wanted something to hump, and my leg was the nearest thing. Needless to say instead of helping me, Koss rolled around in the mud laughing. I did shake it off, but I felt...violated.
'So what's this urgent thing you need to show me?'I said, looking around.
'This,' she pointed towards a bit of the wall. It was pulsing gently. 'What the..?'
'Its strange, but I think its something to do with the ruins at Jokanur, there has been some problems there. Firstly, a group of diggers went in there and didn't return, and secondly, the place has been buzzing with Kournans. We need to investigate. Go see Digmaster Gateh when you want to go.'
I wasn't too chuffed with this prospect, so I decided to wait until the next day. In the meantime, I met up with Kripht, and said, 'Look, my scythe sucks balls....do you have a spare one?'
'yeah....here.' He handed me a razor sharp one, which looked like it was made from the talons of a skale. 'What's it called?' I asked.
'Buhbahl's Grasp, on account of the fact I ripped the blade out of the skale's foot. Enjoy.' He said.
I went to bed feeling slightly apprehensive about journeying into the ruins.

I woke up with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I looked around and saw, to my surprise, that Melonni was sat on the footstool. 'WHAT THE...!' I yelled, pulling the covers tighter around me.

'Don't worry,' she replied. 'I already took a look under the covers.'

'Right...'I said.'Even so, can you go away so as I can get changed please?'

'Sure thing little man,' she said, winking.

I pulled my clothes on, tripping over the bottom of my robe. 'Ow shi...ugar,' I cursed, scrambling to my feet. I grabbed my scythe and stumbled out the door. As my eyes adjusted to the sunlight, I blinked and saw Melonni, Kripht and Kira waiting for me.

'You ready sleeping beauty?' Kripht asked.

'Yes darling, ready and willing,' I replied. Kripht narrowed his eyes, Kira laughed and Melonni stared. 'Cumon then,' I said briskly.'We've got a monster to slay.'

We set off towards Jokanur Diggings, and the journey went off without a hitch....well, except for Melonni and Kripht 'accidentally' tripping over a vine and then each other. We reached the ruins and found Gateh.

'Kormir is waiting for you. Be warned, it is very dangerous out there.' He said. We set off towards where he pointed, and found Kormir there.

'Ah good, you bought reinforcements,' she said. 'Your gonna need them.' Me and Kira exchanged significant looks, whilst Kripht and Melonni exchanged a different look. 'Right, we will have to face three trials, one of stone, one of fire, and one of perseverance. It's simple enough, first avoid the stone crushers, second kill Darehk, get his tablet and place it on a pedestal, whilst avoiding the ghosts, thirdly get the two stone tablets in the next room, avoid the fire, ghosts and don't harm the dead sunspears, place the tablets on the pedestal, then fourthly go to the third chamber, protect the ghost carrying the tablet, allow it to place the tablet on the pedestal, finally all you then need to do is to kill the Apocrypha. Simple.'

'Yeah simple....' I murmured.

'Don't worry hun, we'll be fine,' Kira said.

We set off at a brisk pace, killing the insects and skale that blocked out way to the entrance of the ruins.

'Right, where's the first crusher?' I said. Suddenly, there was a loud bang. Kripht jumped six feet into the air and landed in my arms. I dropped him with a bang. 'I guess that answered my question then.'

We moved cautiously up to the crusher, waited for it to drop, raise again, then ran through. Suddenly, I spotted a ghost carrying a tablet. I gave chase, swinging my scythe wildly, when suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my backside. Looking down I saw a dart. I pulled it out, but I dropped to my knees, feeling woozy. I started walking towards Melonni, with a murderous look on my face.

'Nex, Nex, Nex, NEX, NEX, NEX, NEX, calm down, please, its just a madness dart Melonni, don't worry, it'll wear off soon,' grunted Kripht, trying to restrain me. I shook my head. I was fine. However, looking around, I saw that we were in fact all in danger. Eight ghosts were closing in on us, and Darehk was getting further and further away. Luckily, Kira hit him with a hex, which made him slow down, and I gave chase, whilst Melonni swung her scythe, knocking three of the ghosts down, and Kripht killed the rest with one uttered word. I caught up with Darehk, who was writhing in agony from a second hex that Kira had hit him with, knocked him down and took the tablet from his cold, lifeless hands. I ran towards the pedestal, and placed the tablet on it. The door creaked open, and there was another crusher. We ran through it and then I saw the sunspears that we weren't allowed to hurt. Kripht picked up one of the tablets, and Kira the other, and we ran through the next corridor without getting touched by flame or ghost. That was easy. Then we entered the third trial. We found the ghost, and killed anything that was in its path. We sat and waited for five minutes for him to get his ghostly ass down to the pedestal. We were there. The final chamber. I could hear a large roar. We ran in all guns blazing. Kira hit it with a stream of hexes, Kripht with a stream of curses. Me and Melonni scythed it down, ten minutes later it was dead. Success! We ran out of the ruins and found Gateh.

'Congratulations, the city is saved!' He said.'Now go to Kamadan, Dehvad wants to see you.

'No rest for the wicked, ay?' I winked at Melonni, running off. Twenty minutes later we were in Kamadan, nothing interesting happened, except for Kira being stalked by this weird collector guy, who kept trying to sniff her. I found Dehvad, and he told me I needed to return to the Cliffs of Dohjak and find Nerashi. I told him I would, tomorrow. I went to bed, I was shattered. As I left, Kira gave me a parting smile. I slept with that in my head. Little did I know I would be shot down badly the next day.......

I woke up the next morning and wandered into the guild hall. Seeing Kira I said 'Hi beautiful, how's about you and me go out for a drink?'

'Sorry but no can do hun,' she said. 'I don't date outside my own gender I'm afraid.'

'Shi....' I started.

'However, I will help you help Nerashi,' she said. 'I wanna be friends hun, just thought I'd best tell ya before you got too emotionally attached.'

I felt slightly better, and off we went towards the Cliffs of Dohjak, me, Kira, Melonni and Dunkoro. The trip went off without major disaster, well, except for the problem between the Beautiful Iboga and Dunkoro. Needless to say, if he had a wife, she wouldnt have been too impressed with him. Anyway, as we neared the place where Nerashi and her squad were meant to be, we heard someone shouting 'Abbadon stirs! Abbadon stirs!' We ran quickly towards the voice, and saw Nerashi and her squad fighting five undead. With me and Melonni swinging our scythes, Dunkoro watching over us and Kira sending the enemies mad with phatasms, the enemy was finished off in two seconds flat. #

'Thanks,' panted Nerashi. 'We were out looking for them and theyh just jumped us. Apparently there are more terrorising Issnur Isle and Mehtani Keys. Can you go and investigate them? Just south of here is Beknur Harbour. Go through there to get to Issnur, clear out the undead, then go on to Kodhunlu(sp??) Hamlet and clear Mehtani Keys.'

We all nodded and ran off. We reached Beknur and found four mercenaries for hire-a necromancer, an elementalist, a ranger and a warrior. We took them on and ran out towards Issnur. We found the first group easy enough, and dispatched them soon after. However, it was when we waded through the shallows and got attacked by a mass of skale that our problems really started. If it wasnt for Kira's determination and intellgience, and my kamikaze nature, we wouldve been screwed. However, we ran through to the second, third, fourth groups of undead, and then took shelter in the hamlet. Then, we carried on through to Mehtani Keys, cleared out those groups and returned to Kamadan. However, as we returned to Kamadan, it was clear that our problems weren't to end there......

Storm Crow · Jun 28, 2007, 11:24 PM // 23:24

I read through your piece. It was okay, but a lot could be done.

Here's my "constructive criticism":

Chat talk - No, no, no, no, NO!!! Not only does it suggest an unserious person, it's a very bad reflection on your grammar and the work, period.

Dialouge - When writing dialouge, proper punctuation is essential. Here's an example:
"Now, what the hell did you want?" she asked the multiple computers projected over the ceiling.
That dialouge is punctuated correctly. Now, here's an example from your work:
'Your late'Kormir said
Do you see where you went awry? You used apostraphes (' ') instead of quotation marks (" "). Then, you didn't punctuate at the end of the character's speech. That is very important, as it determins how the sentence should be said in the mind when people are reading it. There should be a space between the ending quotation and the first word behind it, and finally, punctuate at the end of the sentence after dialouge. Also, try to avoid the word 'said', because it doesn't say anything. Spice it up with words like screamed, growled, or sobbed. Also, try to put in what a character does when (s)he says something, as it creates a better picture. Here's how that piece would look correctly:

"You're late." Kormir growled, scowling at me.

Thought - This can be thought of as an extension to dialouge, and is also very essential to be punctuated correctly. An example:
’Black...what a beautiful color of darkness’ He thought to himself.
It's almost the same as dialouge, but what is in apostraphes, now, is italicised. Note: there are some people I know of that do not use apostraphes, but instead just italicise, which is also acceptable. A quote-within-a-quote is also done in this fashion. Example:
"Listen to this," she read the headline of the newspaper. "'Several Homes on East Beach to be Demolished'."

God-Modding/Power Playing - Though this is more common in roleplaying, it is also a big issue in writing in general. Here's something that explains it from 'Drawing Back the Curtains';

Quote:

Originally Posted by Strife

For those of you who are unfamilier with this term, God moding refers to those who... well, roleplay themselves to be like a god, or take control of things that they shouldn't normally be able to control (for example, another person's character). Don't do it. You will find yourself quickly outside of the roleplaying community with nothing but the door hitting your back as a farewell.

Example:

Ray Strife swung his sword in a large arc, cleaving Inde's head off. - Wrong. (Sorry, Inde)

Ray Strife swung his sword in a large arc in an attempt to cleave Inde's head off. - Correct.

I think that explains it better than I could.

More with dialouge - Dialouge always always always starts a new paragraph! Always!

When writing dialouge, stay away from caps! That is also a very good way to show that you are either a very amateur writer or you don't care. Instead, put something in bold or italics and follow it with an exclaimation point.

When in dialouge, a character is shouting a question, only use one set of exclaimation/question marks. As such:

"Are you kidding me?!" She screamed, "We've finally gotten here, and now you're leaving?! What amount of sense does that make to you?!"

Punctuation - Possibly the most important point, besides spelling. Punctuation tells people how to read a sentence, and if anything is off, it can ruin the whole story. You can find uses for every element of punctuation HERE.

Spelling - The most important thing! If we can't understand what your story says, how can we read it? There are several sites you can use to check spelling if your word-processor doesn't have a spellcheck, including http://www.dictionary.com/ and www.m-w.com/. I use the latter because it also includes a thesaurus and links to Encyclopedia Brittanica's website.

I think that's it!

Tally ho~!

nexus1614 · Jun 29, 2007, 07:48 AM // 07:48

I use quotation marks in speech because it's easier. At school (a Grammar School) there was no difference between using quotation marks and speech marks. If you are going to tell me about spelling, at least spell dialogue correctly.This is meant to be a funny story, that's why I use capital letters in speech. It usually works. It isn't a serious story and it's based on a game, that's why I am using 'God-modding.' I've tried my best with punctuation-it's written on a word processing program so most of the punctuation should be correct. Chat talk is used because its written from the perspective of the character.

However, thank you for your comments I appreciate them, but you need to understand that I tried my best and I've taken a lot of time over it.

Kira Myth · Jun 29, 2007, 08:39 AM // 08:39

Storm, you comments seem to be more criticising than constructive.
Granted his spelling and punctuation is not perfect, but whose is? You, for example, suggest making use of the dictionary, yet spell "Dialouge" [sic] incorrectly yourself.

Although spelling and grammar are very important in any body of text, I might suggest commenting on his writing style rather than spend and entire post correcting his spelling and grammar.

I am the last person to comment on either of his spelling or grammar, as mine is far from perfect. I just commented on your post because I feel if you are going to be that critical, be sure and have no faults yourself.

Nexus, I did enjoy the story, it may be a little broken at some stages, but in general it was a pleasant read.

.Unanimous. · Jul 16, 2007, 06:11 PM // 18:11

your all criticising as if he's a fking novelist. It was a parody i got it :P
'I fell over ass and tit' xD quality.